Book Bites November 2025: Leadership and Self-Deception: The Secret to Transforming Relationships and Unleashing Results

Why This Book:

We often feel helpless when we can’t get our work done because colleagues don’t do their part. This book gives you guidance to work with the most difficult colleagues. It is 133 pages long and available as an audiobook. It is written in the format of a story, and you follow the journey of the characters of a supervisor, and two department leads who are having difficulties working together. It is also full of resources, discussion guides, and templates to help you transform the culture in your department and even your organization.

You Should Read This Book If You:

• You have colleagues who don’t pull their weight
• Lack of accountability, procrastination, or power struggles are challenges in your department or organization
• You have direct reports or volunteer leads that don’t get along
• You have an extremely difficult boss
• You suffer from imposter syndrome
• You want to grow as a leader
• You want to discover your hidden bias

Part One: A Disease of Perception

Chapter 1: The Callout

This chapter discusses the extreme importance to address issues between colleagues as early as possible before it escalates. As a leader, it takes courage to address challenges in behavior. It can be daunting, but it is vital to maintain a positive organizational culture. This chapter demonstrates how the supervisor was able to create a safe environment while simultaneously addressing the issue at hand.

Chapter 2: The Deeper Problem

In this chapter, the characters who are the department heads start to realize that in addition to the difficulties of working with their colleague, there is a possibility that they are unintentionally contributing to the challenges. They learn about self-deception for the first time through an example that their supervisor shares an experience he once had.

Chapter 3: Stuck

A powerful concept is shared in this chapter. “Self-deception is at the heart of the people problems we grapple with every single day.” The supervisor empathetically explained that sometimes we make up stories in our heads based on limited information and gently encourages the department heads to try to look at the whole picture. In other words, the ultimate, “give them the benefit of the doubt.” He offers, if you are going to be a successful leader, the most important step is learning “how to see.”

Chapter 4: The Work of a Leader

In this chapter, the supervisor explains that leadership is the responsibility and opportunity to facilitate the growth and success of others and “accurate perception is foundational to effective leadership.” Not giving people the benefit of the doubt can make situations more complex than they need to be because we have created a story in our minds that often turns out not to be true. The PERCEPTION you have of others, regardless of whether you are aware of it or not, shapes every interaction between colleagues. Unconscious bias, if you will.

Chapter 5: Death & Denial

This chapter addresses a hard truth. In some cases, rather than accepting a painful truth that would save lives, people will cling to a falsehood that would keep them blameless. “If we are not willing to ‘see clearly’ we can harm the very people we intend to help,” including those who we are leading.

Chapter 6: The Way We See

“Self-deception has a disastrous impact on relationships because no one likes to be seen or treated as less than fully human.” “It’s even more damaging because when we’re self-deceived, we can’t see that we are self-deceived and we resist the idea that we are the ones with a problem.” Ugh. This chapter introduces the concept of having an outward mindset. That means, when we do our work or when we lead, we are interested in the needs and challenges of the people around us, and we work hard to have a positive impact on them. We are interconnected to other people, so there’s no way our performance can be accurately measured without accounting for the impact we have on others. And here’s the gem: “how we accomplish our work can matter as much as what we accomplish.” “We overlook how self-deception causes various types of dysfunctions in organizations. It is the invisible problem that underlies all other issues.” “Lack of accountability, procrastination, power struggles, disengagement, poor communication entrenched conflict, entitlement, turnover, and low morale, to name just a few.” “Every people-related problem we face is created, sustained, or exacerbated by self-deception.” I wish I could enter a wide-eyed emoji right here. I am not going to lie; I think I had to sit down and take a break after reading this chapter. Goodness, talk about looking in a mirror, but I am so glad because it is ultimately necessary for growth….growing pains if you will.

Chapter 7: The Root Cause

Good news! This chapter helps start to understand where we are going wrong so that we can fix it. It defines Self-betrayal as “choosing not to honor our own sense regarding how we should respond to the humanity of others.” “We betray ourselves anytime we fail to act on or honor the helpful senses we have toward other people.” You know, when that little voice prompts you to say something to your coworker, but you ignore it, even though you know it can solve a problem (especially when it is still a small issue), but don’t? That is an example of self-betrayal. The chapter goes on to share several examples, which if you have ever worked in an organization, you are sure to identify with at least one of them.

Chapter 8: A Twisted Need

“Self-betrayal is ignoring an internal call to respond to the humanity of others, then hunkering down in staunch denial of our choice.” Again, insert wide-eyed emoji here, this time the one with the eyes looking to the side.

Chapter 9: Objections

I was grateful for this chapter because it answers the question “how do you not drive yourself crazy by second-guessing what you see? What if the person is actually a jerk or even manipulative?” Because let’s face it, there are some people out there that we are NOT wrong about. The author offers “seeing other people as people doesn’t mean we wear rose-colored glasses and assuming everyone has innocent intentions, and IT’S NOT ABOUT TAKING RESPONSIBILITY FOR OTHER PEOPLE’S CHOICES. “The truth is that other people matter LIKE we matter……not that they matter more than we matter or that we matter less and should accept mistreatment.”

Part Two: Lies That Bind Us

Chapter 10: Chronic Strains

Self-deception can take two forms; one where we see ourselves better than or worse than others. When we do this, it moves us further than the truth that was mentioned before…that others matter LIKE we do; not more…not less. This chapter describes chronic self-deception – the false views of ourselves that we use to justify our self-betrayals. “The best way to identify chronic self-deceptions is by the emotions that usually accompany them.” This chapter was hard to read. Identifying emotions and how they are tied to our self-deception was a difficult pill to swallow, but so necessary for growth. If you have ever felt the following emotions after an interaction with a colleague, buckle up before you read this chapter; mistreated, unappreciated, resentful, powerless or resigned to name a few.

Chapter 11: Sabotage

Are we sabotaging the company, or even worse yet, ourselves and we don’t even realize it? “Part of being a fully responsible leader in the present is taking responsibility for the times you have fallen short in the past.” When was the last time we fell short and blamed someone else for it, rather than taking responsibility? “I didn’t make the deadline because you didn’t send me a reminder email…..”

Chapter 12: Pivot

Although a short chapter (literally one page), it powerfully demonstrates the importance of a leader to understand those they are leading. Something as small as being keen enough to notice small changes in behavior or signs of frustration and working actively to talk through and solve the change in behavior can make a huge difference in the long run.

Chapter 13: Self-Image

How do we see ourselves? Often how we see ourselves determines how we treat others. How we are seen and how we want to be seen can sometimes be in conflict. When how we are seen doesn’t align with who we are, it can cause challenges, etc. We want to be seen as smart, so we will protect that image at all costs; even if we have to lie to achieve it. Be cautious that who you are and how you want to be seen doesn’t cause you to treat others badly.

Chapter 14: First Steps

Again, a super short chapter with a powerful message. The first step to being a leader is taking ownership of and making right your mistakes; regardless if there is another person who also may be at fault. You can’t change them, but you can change your actions and how you move forward.

Chapter 15: Trial and Error

One of the most powerful statements in the entire book is in this chapter. “Your choices affect other people too.” We often see how the choices of others affect us, but what about the times that we fell short and didn’t take responsibility—how did that affect others? Did it put them in a bind? Cause them to miss a deadline or have to take on extra work to account for us not doing our part?

Chapter 16: Limitations

Emotions are a part of being human. We can feel guilty, overwhelmed, inadequate, or even discouraged sometimes. But we must be careful that emotions don’t keep us from being responsive to others as human beings. Our feelings can lie to us and allow us to create wild stories in our minds that are completely untrue. The benefit of the doubt is so important…and so is talking it through.

Chapter 17: Portraying and Pretending

We often judge others (and ourselves) by what we believe leadership should be. This can cause us to forget about the humanity of people to see them for who they are and not what we expect them to be. Does this phrase ring a bell when an expectation hasn’t been met, “You should have known.” Additionally, sometimes we get so caught up in what a

Chapter 18: Old Patterns & Programs

Before we can work towards change, we must become self-aware. Taking a step back to identify our patterns and habits, and if they are helpful or harmful, is a crucial step to change. We have to be careful to not build patterns of interaction that resist change.

Chapter 19: Excuses and Blame

This chapter was eye-opening because it shed light on how we can make excuses and blame others and not even realize we are doing it. When we are so consumed with being right, we tend to either deny all responsibility or make a partial confession “with a large caveat attached: ‘I may have messed up, BUT……’” When really trying to solve a challenging situation, are we asking questions to really understand where the other person is coming from, or are we gathering data to prove we are in the right and they deserve to be blamed? Ugh. Avoiding responsibility and blaming others is one of the fastest ways to infect a workplace culture and stop productivity in its tracks. In the same way, however, accountability can create a culture of collaboration, productivity, and unimaginable results. As a leader, it is our choice and it starts by what we choose to model; I ask you, will it be blame or accountability? We can have blame-free organizations, but it requires a remarkable level of accountability. Are you up to the task?

Part Three: The Vision to Lead

Chapter 20: Two Ways

Everyone is busy. We all get caught up and sometimes forget that when we take on an assignment and don’t follow through, it affects more than just us. It has a ripple effect that affects the people depending on us to deliver on our commitment. It happens. We all at some point take on more than we can handle, but we shouldn’t shy away from it. We need to “reach out, ask for help [and] let people know.” This is outward thinking and shows that we are thinking of the entire team, not just ourselves, and there are better chances that the tasks can still get done in a timely manner and the entire team succeeds instead of the team feeling let down or sabotaged. There is no shame in not being able to complete an assignment on time. There is, however, disappointment and frustration when a deadline is missed without communication and the entire team suffers because of it.

Chapter 21: Contagion

Most conflicts follow this same predictable pattern…. Blame and excuse spark defensiveness and counter-blame. Ok, for this next part, are you sitting down? Are you ready for this one? What makes this situation worse (if it could possibly be), is that we provoke a certain behavior in someone because of what we do (e.g., miss a deadline) and then use their negative response (to what we did) as justification to support our case against them. Hold on, I have to catch my breath here.

Chapter 22: Collusion

When we choose not to give people the benefit of the doubt, justification becomes our highest priority. “Often, whatever we are complaining about is the very thing that justifies us, so we turn a blind eye to our own contribution and fixate solely on the mistreatment we receive from others, reinforcing a belief that, in many circumstances, is a lie: the belief that the other person we are in conflict with is entirely worthy of blame, and we are completely in the right.” Need I say more?

Chapter 23: Fear and Feelings

“It can be scary to own up to what you’ve done – when you [knew what you should have done]…. and you didn’t do it. Maybe we’re afraid that our self-betrayal defines us — that it means we are bad, petty, selfish, or incapable,” or even worse, “that other people will find out and we will be punished or rejected or lose their respect and admiration.” Rest assured, fear is an illusion too. “It keeps us from accepting responsibility and admitting our mistakes, even though those are the very actions that build trust and move us forward. It is a cruel irony that when we let an inward mindset and fear guide us, we end up pushing people away and creating the very realities we are most afraid of.” I have often heard that FEAR stands for False Evidences Appearing Real. Often, we build a story up in our head that is furthest from the truth about what may happen instead of just talking it out with someone, and it is nowhere near what we were thinking. So why do we keep doing it? If we change our mindset and allow our emotions to be an indicator of a situation rather than the dictator or validator of a situation, we can use our emotions as a guide to help, not hinder, our progress towards solving challenges and conflict.

Chapter 24: Seeing Clearly

The reason most leadership interventions fail is because “they are focused on changing behaviors, not addressing mindsets.” They focus on the symptoms, not the problem itself. For example, unproductive behavior is often the signal of the actual problem that exists. When we look at someone’s lack of productivity as the symptom of something else, we don’t have to waste time feeling inadequate or blaming others, but can focus on why they aren’t being productive and solve for that; either by adjusting workload, or making sure they don’t feel ashamed for missing a deadline so they are more willing to speak up. But we can only know that after having a curiosity conversation with them to find out what is happening.

Chapter 25: Turning Outward

To help make giving people the benefit of the doubt a company culture, it is important to create reporting practices, incentive structures and policies designed to help people take others into account. This chapter captures my favorite philosophy of UBUNTU (I am because we are) brilliantly: “We are who we are in relation to others,” and when we all realize that we have the potential to keep the train on the track (instead of derailing it) and work towards that goal together, it will change the culture of the organization.

Chapter 26: Real Leadership

Giving people the benefit of the doubt doesn’t mean overlooking one’s shortcomings. It is about holding people accountable WHILE simultaneously addressing the issue. Accountability doesn’t have to suck and isn’t always necessarily punitive. If someone asks why you missed a deadline, instead of getting defensive, have a real conversation with the person and create a solution plan to avoid it happening again as best as possible. If you are the one asking, do your best to make sure the person knows; it isn’t to condemn them, but to genuinely find out why so as to develop a solution together. My previous Book Bites read, Crucial Accountability has a lot of great examples and verbiage to help create this type of situation.

Chapter 27: Moving Forward

Often, we are completely oblivious to how our actions affect and impact others. Self-awareness can be liberating because it can help us solve many of the challenges we have and adjusting mindset can tremendously help how we interact with others.

Other Related Links

• Accountability Doesn’t Have to Suck: 7 Tips for Becoming A Better Team Player by Nicole R. Smith, CVA
• Follow Nicole on LinkedIn, Instagram and Facebook
• Listen to Nicole’s Podcast: From the Suggestion Box
  • Podcast Episode: No Such Thing as a Difficult Conversation